Resolution or Transformation?

When was the last time you challenged yourself? 

It is the time of year again for making New Year Resolutions causing me to think about my own life and the challenges that we each face. Is there a recognisable pattern to life's ebb and flow within our psychological make-up, which locks us in a pattern of joy and regret, or can we make genuinely life-changing choices? 

We vow to make changes in our lives so that we might become the people we think we ought to be. We forget about the influence of peer pressure and the propaganda of celebrity gossip, fashion magazines and 'get fit' programme's, and base these new resolutions on the false presumptions we have made about ourselves. 

Our skewed perception of the issues that we face, masks the reality that our lives are more complicated than we think. Some of our 'stuff' is so ingrained in us that we would need to seek some good counsel from a qualified therapist, rather than rely on a vow made when the bell tolls at midnight, on the eve of another New Year.

Perhaps it is in our nature to avoid change at all cost? Maybe for the optimists out there, seeking evolve your sense of self, fresh encounters and new challenges push us to seek new horizons? I sometimes wonder, whether I still have the emotional capacity to adapt to new situations as I get older, and the 'needle returns to the start of the song and we all go about as before...' (Song by Del Amitri). 

The challenges seem to arrive more quickly and with greater complexity than they used to, leading me to question whether I have enough resolve to deal with each new conflict that I might face. 

It takes effort to become more resilient in our day-to-day interactions and have enough energy to make it all work together for good. You might simply choose to close-down your emotional responses so you might cope, or retreat behind drawn curtains so that we can avoid having to face up to our obligations. When we are unable to accommodate any more empathy and the compulsiveness to do what is right, we resign ourselves to thinking we are unable to change those things that we want to improve in our lives and settle for what we might consider to be a 'second best' solution.

It is now three years since I made the decision to end my career in teaching and trust that God had something else in mind for me to do. I finished teaching in December 2015 without any specific plan. However, just before Christmas, I was offered some temporary work at the Storehouse, our church food bank and community café. It wasn’t something I planned for, neither was it foreseeable that the work was going to become available, but I do not believe in coincidences. It appeared that God was more aware of the bigger picture than I, and he had plans. 

As I set about this new job in the Storehouse, I was actively looking for full time work to follow on from this. I successfully interviewed for a job in March 2015, to start in April, meaning that I could sustain my income beyond my contract at the Storehouse, such is God's provision. This new job suited my exhausted emotions, allowed me to travel, spend time thinking, gave me time to read and pray, whilst giving me my life back.

This job was only for three days a week, allowing me to volunteer at the Storehouse for the other days. Unknown to me at the time, another role opened within the Storehouse, which started in the September, pairing with this new job perfectly. Such is God's timing with these things that the changes I was making to my lifestyle, meant that I did not have to worry about how things would pan-out. God is good like that, especially when we are obedient. The two jobs put me in a good place emotionally and spiritually, helping me to follow God’s lead, and transition from one career into this new future God has planned.

So, my life is very different today. On-the-whole, it has been a successful transition but I know it is not of my doing. Jesus has been behind my decision making and it has been his guidance that has provided me with the security to go with my instinct. Both of my employment roles fit with my character and play to my strengths, as God knew that they would. He is a good Father. 

This process of faithful obedience to God comes from having a relationship with him. Being able to recognise God all around us. I used to have some early morning train rides where I could see the beauty of the countryside as the dawn rose, whilst reading my Bible, praying, and just sitting in his presence. I could sense the Holy Spirit at work deep down inside and I knew it was good. We all need moments with our Father like that, keeping our relationship with him as childlike as possible. As children, we are able to listen and take advice, where our adult nature may not have allowed.

Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven.  So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. (Matthew 18:3‭-‬4 NLT)

As the New Year starts to gather momentum and ‘steamroll’ itself through our emotions, it is all too easy to forget the resolution we might have made at the beginning of the year. These feelings often come from an inner resolve to reinvent ourselves into the sort of person we think we ought to be right now. We only need to look at social media to sense that others are having a better time of it...

We often make these unrealistic pledges however, whilst continuing to indulge in our favourite snacks or pastime we had vowed to abstain from, regretting that we had eaten it, and trying to ignore the guilt. We also make unreasonable demands on ourselves with the bigger emotional pledges we make. With each meal, sugary treat, bad word or regret, it is far easier to put off our new regime to lose weight or get fit, till the next time; till it becomes too hard to begin that exercise routine we promised to start in the New Year. 

It is also easy to become restless and a little glum at-this-time of year, particularly after consuming more calories in a few days over Christmas and New Year than we would have eaten in a week! With one eye on the ‘New Year, New You’ adverts on the television and an ear out for those critical comments people make about weight gain, gym membership and diet plans, those new year plans you made, might have already ‘shot-themselves-in-the-foot.’

It is somewhat unsurprising that Monday 16^th January is declared in the UK at least, as Blue Monday. The cold wintry weather, short daylight hours, post-Christmas holiday debt and the fact that it is exactly three weeks after the beginning of the New Year, all compound together on our already delicate emotions, to make us feel low. We feel as though we have become trapped by the circumstances of our own doing and don't know how to snap-out of our depression. If you suffer from depression, anxiety or emotional uncertainty, you know that anyone telling you to 'snap-out-of-it' is the least helpful thing anyone can say.

When the New Year comes and we catch sight of ourselves in the mirror, our introspection leads us to believe we can take back control by reinventing ourselves. Yet It is all too easy to become resigned to living a life with less than we anticipated, particularly when we watch our peers around us seemingly prosper without compromise.

So back to the question: 

When was the last time you really challenged yourself to do something revolutionary or to make a difference in the way you live out your life, other than the New Year resolution?

Do you decide to make changes in your life because you feel that you have got stuck in a rut and you wanted to do something different? Or, were the changes thrust upon you through circumstance, often unexpectedly, and always with a cost? 

Perhaps you avoid the change-at-all-cost mentality or you live at the other end of the scale, where you see change is necessary for life? 

In our current professional culture, we have-to-ask ourselves whether we have the capacity to adapt; whether we can resolve conflict to become more resilient, or whether we would prefer to leave problems un-addressed? But you cannot survive for long if you ignore the fundamental issues gnawing away at the edges of our emotions.

If we do ignore conflict and fail to resolve disputes within ourselves and those around us, we may find it harder to move on in our lives, particularly with our peers. When we are being unkind to ourselves, it is easy to think that we are not making the kind of impact we would like to make in our careers, perhaps even in our home life. Yet if we ignore our responsibilities to our partners and engagement with our children, the expectations we place on ourselves through the dream of our New Year future self, comes up starkly against the backdrop of the reality of life. 

Some of us are so blinded by our desire to do well, that we ignore problems when they arise. Equally, there are those who cannot see the faults hiding in-plain-sight because we don't want it to upset their worldview... 

Perhaps, if you are in leadership, a boss, husband or wife, who doesn't engage with what is really happening around you, then you must address this issue first. When we are unable to move forward due to the sentimental clutter of the past, there is one who can tell you everything you ever did, yet provide you with the means to move on. He promises a well of living water that cannot be quenched, when so often in the world we live in, we suffer judgement and heartache for the things we have done. (Read the Story in John's Gospel, about the Samaritan women at the well Ch 4:1-30)

When we are in this place of self-doubt, we attempt to distance ourselves from the issues involved and endeavour to shake off the emotional baggage that comes from the unfulfilled expectation this brings with it. Our culture encourages us to move quickly onto the next thing so as not to dwell on the negativity of the moment, or ponder too long on the causes behind what went wrong. But this is not always helpful...

We behave this way with certain aspects of our lives because we have an idealistic view of how we hoped our lives would develop when we ‘grew-up’... the reality is that we find ourselves far from what we hoped we would be by now, trying to cling onto whatever dignity you have left, to avoid sinking into the sea of uncertainty.

We are each unique in every aspect of who we are, having natural talents that require little thought on our part, while developing other skills beyond our talent, which enable us to perform to the best of our abilities. We each develop an internal standard for which we measure ourselves by, using it as a barometer for our commitment and ambition. This helps us to gauge when we are really pushing ourselves, because the work is hard, or when we have taken our ‘foot-off-the-gas.’  

Sometimes, we can have a healthy relationship with what we need to do in order to achieve, appreciating what is needed and balance our emotional health well. It is more likely however, when the things in our lives don’t seem to be going as we planned, our focus turns away from ourselves and onto our observations of the lives of others. Social media acts as a great contributor to this, where we inevitably make comparisons between ourselves and the material things we feel we haven't got...

We set ourselves a standard to which we measure our own performance and indirectly, we use that same standard to measure the performance of others. We don’t ever verbalise our standards to other people because we want to avoid seeming egotistic or arrogant, yet we make internalised judgements about other people’s performance most of the time. However we often judge ourselves to be lacking in comparison, even if what we say publicly is to the contrary.

Our emotional sensitivity about the secret things we think about ourselves and others, is only revealed when we seem to run into problems. This is particularly so when we’re trying to manage a situation and think that we have worked out the best approach to an activity or task. We believe everyone should share the same approach as we do. When people set about doing their own thing, we tend to think that they are rejecting us and the ideas we have, causing us to think that we are powerless to influence events and that things are seemingly out of our control. This is particularly so when those in leadership seem to be on a different page to the one we are reading.

Our limited emotional intelligence when dealing with compromise, leads us to internalise our thoughts beyond the superficial layer of civility we have for each other. At a much deeper level, we think that people don’t like our suggestions because they don’t like us… Our natural anxiety fuels our fears about our standing with our peers and our general esteem takes a hit to the point that we are left grappling with the negative emotions of feeling rejected.

When situations like these happen, it has the emotional effect that we become defensive or simply want to give up. If a problem was caused by our involvement in it, we seek to link someone else or some other cause, so that we might pin the blame onto an external source when things go wrong. We point out the weaknesses in the other person’s actions or point out their short comings, rather than dwell on our own failings and perhaps, our own mismanagement of the problem. We make assumptions that everyone should be working to the same standard that we have employed, and get frustrated when our expectations of what could be achieved is let down by reality.

It is often the case that we haven’t really explained what we really wanted from people, our family, our friends and work colleagues, assuming that their failings in understanding you, were purely down to how they handled the situation, and are nothing to do with you… ‘If you want something doing properly, then do it yourself.’

In actual fact, you start to believe that ‘they’ whoever ‘they’ are, are ‘slacking.’ The songwriters Simon and Garfunkell wrote: 

I am a rock, I am an island

I've built walls

A fortress deep and mighty 

That none may penetrate

I have no need of friendship, 

friendship causes pain

It's laughter and it's loving I disdain

I am a rock, I am an island

When we are involved in something we are passionate about, at work or an issue that needs to be resolved within the family, our children or our partner, it is all too easy to develop an internal dialogue where you think you are the only one bothered with sorting it out, becoming overly critical of others, ‘Can’t they see the work that needs to be done here? How can they ignore what needs to be done when it is right in front of their eyes? Are they not aware of the damage they have caused in doing that..?’

No matter how well-meaning your dedication is to your work and your family or how selfless you are in continuing to care about what is going on around you, particularly when your perception is that others don’t seem to care, the simple fact remains: they are not you. Their opinion is their own; their work ethic and understanding of a situation they are involved in, is interpreted by their own perspective of what needs to be done. It is important that we understand that we each develop differing priorities in determining our contribution to the tasks we are involved in and find harmony in what we can accomplish together.

Other people’s interpretation of what they know to be true of themselves will be viewed through a different filter to the one that we use. However, in relationship with them, there may be some symmetry in what we can achieve together. We can share a common goal, but there will always be a part to our understanding which, when viewed through our lens, is different to the one seen through their lens. The challenge is to recognise our differences as strengths.

The things we value, is reflected in our behaviour, character and work ethic. It helps to shape our thinking and our actions, revealing just how much we value the principles we hold true to. Some of us let our conduct do our talking for us, taking pride in our integrity. We want people to see our integrity because of the 
reassurance it brings to those around us. The apostle Paul tasks us with becoming Christ-like, which we can only do through spending time with him (Romans Ch:8).

Some of us are charismatic individuals, using our ability to command attention through our natural magnetism and communication skills. These people possess an aura that encourages cooperation and respect, whilst others amongst us are more reflective and thoughtful, preferring to go away and have a think about it. Whatever personality type you are, it is important to recognise the diversity of personality types in others, so that we can bring out each others giftings and strengths, for the fulfillment of our shared goals.

There are those times, particularly when we are feeling emotionally sensitive, especially when we enter an unfamiliar situation, where we feel that we are being snubbed by the interactions of those already in the room. It is easy to develop the perception that the conversation they are having doesn't concern you or is above your pay grade or indeed, is about you. Such is the sensitivity of our self esteem, if we detect that voices are lowered, the conversation tone is changed, or behaviour suddenly altered as you enter, you can easily perceive too much. 

Our emotions quickly detect negative body language directly or indirectly expressed towards us, particularly when we lack confidence.  It amplifies the suspicions you always held about people, whilst having no evidence to substantiate your thoughts. These preconceived  suspicions are confirmed more by what people don't do, than what they do, and your perceptions of whatever it is your paranoid imagination thinks that these people are thinking, takes over from reality. I wonder why it is that we are hypersensitive to the small nuances of body language in other people, and our perceptions of what is going on around us?

Like when we hear that our friends have met up together, maybe even on New Year's Eve. You start looking at your friends wondering whether they have a better relationship with those other people... you know, the ones you don’t really like. You watch their interactions from a distance and think that your own status is threatened by their relationship. You then wonder if 'they' have a better relationship with these people than they might have with you, and you feel a little jealous.

The mind is the most powerful part of our consciousness. It is capable of great creativity and reason, yet we often use it against our better judgement. Our brain chemistry is such that we are stimulated by hormones and adrenalin in ways that help us control our emotions and ease our anxiety. Its perhaps why we develop associations within our friendships and assume exclusivity in our relationships. It is probably why we feel hurt when the relationship we have with a friend or work colleague, seems to be affected when it operates outside of the boundaries we have artificially constructed to manage them.

Why is it that our emotional balance is challenged by an alternative perspective we might not have noticed before? One moment our relationships seem to be on the same level and we have equal parity with one another, then in the next moment, we can be confused by something that is said or left unsaid, or something that we have observed? Human nature is so fickle yet we insist on making new resolutions for change each New Year.

Similarly, if our lens is unable to focus on those important facets that make up our relationships with our friends, we will only operate at a superficial level. The automatic questions we ask when we meet people: “Oh hello, great to see you, how are you doing...” 

Do you ever wait for an answer..?  

Did you really listen to the answer..? 

Are you even interested..?

These are the types of rhetorical questions we ask as we bustle past the people we meet. Even if we didn’t hear the reply, we assume the response to be: “Oh, I’m fine.” but is this really friendship?

In the busyness of life, we can miss out on the connections that we each need. If we do not allow the emotion of the moment to enter each interaction we have with those around us, our relationships will suffer. Our New Year's resolutions for change become hollow when it is just about 'me.' What about our friendships?

Friendships are the glue that bind us together when life is hard. Friends understand the moments when a knowing glance, a reassuring hand on a shoulder, or a warm embrace, are what we need right now. Friendships are the foundations for what we know to be true of ourselves and the life we live, not the paranoia of an overactive imagination. When you look at the life of Jesus, he did all of these things and more, to win our friendship This is where our focus should be, rather than on some whimsical New Year resolution, resolve to get to know Jesus.

We can often give out so much in life to others. Mum's with small children are good examples of this, organising experiences so that they have a great childhood, often at the expense of their own social lives and individuality. It is a trade-off that no mum would willingly trade-in. This is what God loves about our free-will to make choices to serve others - it reveals his heart.

To do things together, being hospitable and generous with our time, running errands, helping family and friends... we think that these ‘tasks’ are the focus of our relationships with the people in our lives, when the reality is that this is just living. When we are too busy to make time to build real friendships, we miss the closeness of what relationships can offer. It allows untruth to take hold of our lives, and allows our paranoid imagination to rob us of our peace.

We are designed by God to be in relationship with each other, and ultimately, with him. God's thumbprint is moulded into our consciousness so that when we encounter him, we know in our core being that we have met with him. If in all the busyness, we find that we are lonely or our identity is lost, we need to change. We have placed our identity far too often, in the things that cannot fulfill. 

Nothing else fits humanity better than God. All of the paranoid thoughts I have described in this blogg occurred whilst I was in teaching, where life, expectation, and a lack of affirmation, robbed me of the joy I have found in Jesus. The darkness of the paranoia and the anxiety I experienced, filtered through my soul into everything that was good. It is why God pulled me out of that reality, into a new life with him. I was emotionally crippled and exhausted yet God met me where I was and brought me home. 

God doesn't want our lives to be like this but at the same time, there is an awful lot of bagage we need to get rid of in the process of meeting with him, hence sitting on an early morning train watching the seasons come and go, and learning to feel that all was well again.

God has a plan for your life. It may take time to sift through all of the baggage you might be carrying right now. This has nothing to do with excess weight but with any good metaphor, God wants us to shed every hindrance that prevents us from receiving the love he has for you. Only then will you find the purpose he has for your life.

Make a resolution this year to work through what it is that brings unbelief and doubt where God's love is concerned, and open your heart to all God has for you today.