Sifting Sands

Being honest with who we are, is an important aspect to living our lives well. We chase after dreams with a determination that stems from our personal ambition to better ourselves. To be the very best that we can be. From school age and onwards in the developed world at least, education is the driver of our success, alongside any natural talents or gifting that we have.

I love Formula 1. Lewis Hamilton became the first black world champion and indeed, the first black F1 race driver through following the dream, aided by his father Anthony. Their story is so well documented that it is easy to feel as though we know the struggles they faced to get to the top. I assume that Anthony Hamilton wished that his son could become that person he dreamed about in the first instance, coaching Lewis through the various stages of the motorsport hierarchy, before being talent spotted by McLaren and tutored to achieve that goal.

There are many other stories like his from athletes to film stars, doctors and businessman, which communicate the human story of determination and endurance. To become resilient in the face of adversity and to conquer the seemingly insurmountable challenge that we face. Boiling that ideological fight down into its basic components, is the topic of many self-help books, promising strategies and insight that might help all of us, to take a step of faith and have a go.

The fight to be better; to be stronger; to become more than the sum of our upbringing and social status could possibly imagine, is no more than a dream for many. Those of us who don’t dare to dream beyond the realities of the everyday, look to the achievements of the successful and wonder what it would take to change our fortunes around. There are many of us too, who do not have the first clue about how to change what we are, into what we would like to be.

If we do not have a ‘handle’ on what we want, we could implode in our desire to achieve the unattainable. We can blame all sorts of circumstance, people, places or situations that prevented us from realising the dream we have of a better future. This can develop in people, a bitterness that erodes at our very sense of self, where in extreme circumstances, we are prepared to take too many risks to achieve our goal. The sense of being trapped by missed opportunity or the limited options available to us, should not be dismissed however, as it is a powerful psychological driver in our lifestyle choices.

Personality is also a key to this process. The extrovert with a gregarious personality can often give out a warmth and a sense of well-being, which encourages those around them to ‘buy-in’ to their way of doing things. The great salesmen of the American TV advert, where a deal can always be done, can get very wearing at times. The counterfoil to this is the experience you receive in an Apple store, where you are listened to and suggestions are made about how integrating the product into your lifestyle, would enhance your sense of worth because you can be seen to be accessing your digital content anywhere…

It is easy to be sucked in by the claims of both types of salesman and they are indeed, effective at their work. But as with all material assets, once the sheen has worn off the newness of the product, it is just a ‘thing’ after all. When we start to put value onto ‘things’ instead of those around us and even, dare I say it, ourselves, then we are on a slippery slope to a very hollow life experience. In order to resuscitate the feeling of well-being, we need to stay up-to-date. Deriving worth from the material things we thought might offset the insecurities we feel about the other areas of our lives that are not working so well, is a side effect for looking for value from outside ourselves, rather than from within.

There is also the danger posed to us by many self help groups that the answer to our trouble lies deep within us… if we can control our emotions, we might be better prepared at handling our lives. Perhaps attaining this sense of karma is a life goal you have. However, this kind of karma is very difficult to attain in the ebb and flow of everyday life. The problem with finding ourselves is that we might not like what we find. 

Where the intent and the actions of an individual, influence the future of that individual, we buy into the theory of causation, where we think we are in control of our lives and that we can directly influence our present and our future. When our efforts crumble around us, any feeling of goodwill, can be mislaid in the chaos of what we feel we have lost, in comparison to what we had hoped to achieve.

This is where emotional depression lurks, stalking us, trying to break our spirit. When all hope for what we wish to achieve in life has gone from our youthful endeavours, we enter into a lifestyle that serves us with little enduring happiness. We live through circumstances of our own choosing, having glimmers of joy in what we do in our lives, from family, friends and social interaction, but these can fade as quickly as the rain evaporates in the desert.

We seek fulfillment from ‘stuff’ going on in our lives, which can be as fleeting as ice cooling a drink… refreshing and crisp when it is first served ice cold, becoming sickly sweet as the ice melts and the liquid warms, leaving a bitter aftertaste. John in Revelation, describes the church in Laodicea as being like this: 

“But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth! You say, ‘I am rich. I have everything I want. I don’t need a thing!’ And you don’t realize that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked. So I advise you to buy gold from me—gold that has been purified by fire. Then you will be rich. Also buy white garments from me so you will not be shamed by your nakedness, and ointment for your eyes so you will be able to see.” (Revelation 3:16-18, NLT)

The Laodiceans had natural springs, mineral rich waters typical of Spas, where it was said that the mineral rich clay could heal eye-sight problems. We are familiar in the west with mineral water having medicinal properties and have had an explosion of health foods and diets to combat all sorts of ailments that may prevent the signs of aging. Creams, ointments, cosmetic surgery… we are seeking after the wrong source to our happiness if we believe the claims made, yet the Laodiceans trusted in their medical solutions rather than seek after the eternal truth. Wealth cannot be taken with you when our time comes. Money certainly doesn't buy happiness or indeed friends or influence. Like a house of cards, if we neglect even one element of our humanity, in pursuit of contentment, then what we base our lives on can become futile. When the foundation to our world is rocked by some cataclysmic drama we didn't foresee, we are powerless to do anything about it because all that we hoped for in our vulnerability, is lost.

Jesus tells of the parable of the man who builds his house upon the sand. 

“Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwater's rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn't obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.” (Matthew 7:24-24, NLT)

There are those who would say, “Well, you would believe that money can’t buy you happiness, because you haven’t got money but look at me. You’re only sad because you don’t have what I have.” Or indeed, those who get defensive when criticism is directed at those with aspiration to enhance their appearance in some kind of look-at-me, beauty pageant, cry… “Well, it’s because you are unattractive. You couldn’t afford the cosmetic work you would need to look like me; you’re only jealous; go and have some Botox.”

If we look to what is truly around us as a source for contentment, we will be as foolish as those who build a house on sand. Beauty is so transient. You only need to look at any social media site, tabloid paper or celebrity gossip channel, to notice how contorted the reporting of beauty really is: “Stars who were once beautiful… look at them now” “Which celebrity has the best bikini body this summer.” This objectification of women particularly, is drip fed into our subconscious, affecting our behaviours. For women who cannot attain the body shape that is this season’s new ‘thing’, the image’s published in consumer lifestyle magazines can contort some women’s vision of self while for men, it sexualises women. Those that do not attain the perfection that some editorial has determined to be current and on-trend, can be disregarded as socially inept.

Power dressing is the culture described in business that up-and-coming leaders adopt to climb the hierarchy of a company’s organisational structure. The slickest of Armani suits, the highest of heel, the matching accessory, car, bank account. We all adopt these markers which define us amongst our peers. Holiday destinations, what we do with our leisure time, the substance of our homes, number of rooms, location or our homes and the material possessions we accumulate, are all part of this same cycle of building our house upon the sand.

We tend to lose ourselves in pursuit of an unattainable perfection that is manufactured by the lifestyle choices that we make. It starts very early in our lives when we begin to desire more than what we have. As a child, Christmas and Birthdays as well as Easter, provided us with opportunities to become a consumer of products from a position of ‘want’ rather than 'need'. When we desire for something beyond our normal means, we attain to be something more, in order to get that which we desire. As a child, my brothers and I grew up in relative poverty compared to what our peers had but in reality, everything is relative to our aspirations.

I knew that we hadn’t the money to buy the gifts or receive the goods that children and young people wanted. We therefore, didn't ask, nor did we expect more. This is not true of today. I see students in school with the latest Apple products that I cannot afford to purchase for my own children. I am amazed at what is available to children materialistically today. I do not know how this immediate access to entertainment or leisure will impact on the next generation but I cannot shake the sense that we are building a house on sand.

“I’m not happy with where my life is, but a few hours on my X-Box and Call of Duty might medicate my pain somehow, particularly if I immerse myself in X-Box live where I can interact with my friends on-line… some whom I have never met” 

We do all sorts of things to help us feel as though we are connected. Those stuck at home all day looking after small children, relish the opportunity to get out and dance all night in a club or go to the movies. Our work patterns too can be so soul destroying that we just hit the bar and consume large amounts of alcohol. Or perhaps it is food, shoes, clothing, sex…  We all have a certain vice which we are automatically drawn towards when the going gets tough.

We tend to try to numb ourselves to the internal conflict that eats away at our sense of self but it is impossible to feel joy, if all we are trying to do is numb the pain of what it feels 'to be me'. Learning to accept who we are for what we are, is the biggest emotional and psychological barrier we have to finding self. However, if we are still looking to the source of self in the ‘things’ outside of ourselves, then we will never truly be free. Whenever there is a hiccup in our lives, we immediately return to the addictive behaviours that we thought brought us comfort in the past but in reality, they only medicate our souls for a moment in time. When we recognise our futility in chasing after flowers in the desert, reality crashes in on us again.

We can run away from self too. We can fear what we have to become, or is demanded of us, to sustain life as we know it today, seeking alternatives to what we know, in order to cover up the cracks in our lives. I have seen marriages dissolve in this way, where one party does not like what the marriage demands of them… hankering after a life that they see in others or on the TV, avoiding the obligation and responsibility that entering into a legal commitment to a life partner seemingly denies them.

Our humanity craves sociological, psychological and emotional connection, within a community of like-minded individuals who extol our virtues. Marriage is the highest expression of our desire to commit to one another but when one starts to feel trapped, the origin to those thoughts occur when our focus is taken away from the one we had previously given our ultimate attention to. When we make the choice to turn our attention to some other person or prefer to ignore the needs of the other person, either from some sense of distrust or dislike, it becomes easier to build resentment when that person confirms to you through their actions, why you had began to dislike them in the first place! 

We seek comfort in confirming their faults, no matter how emotionally charged we might feel about it. This then makes it easier to finally make that choice to end the relationship because we see it as a measure to preserve our own interests. We can't believe that we were once so foolish; that we were unable to see their faults before; that we became vulnerable to someone whom we thought would honour our true selves and seek to put our needs before their own. 

No matter how painful it can be when things go wrong, seeking connection with others is how we are wired up… not in the pursuit of wealth or material sustenance.  ‘No man is an Island’ (John Donne, 1624). Oddly, when we are alone, there can often be a certain melancholy to how we feel about the silence we encounter in the absence of others to share our thoughts and experiences with. When we have purpose and busyness in our lives, there is little chance for peaceful reflection and we often crave the silence. But when we do get a moment to be quiet, we don’t know what to do with ourselves. It is easy in these moments, for our minds to spill over into thoughts of what we don’t have, rather than what we have achieved.

As humans, we have a natural predisposition to focusing on the negatives… we always seek more of what we feel we do not have, rather than cherish the moment we are in right now. We expend a lot of our waking time, reflecting on what could have been, and what we ought to do, rather than simply living in the now. Our anxious waking is driven by the desire to control a Utopian idea of what life should be like. When we think all hope of achieving this ideal is gone, we substitute this hope for a resigned sense of compromise that leaves a bitter taste in our mouths.

Where our hope is placed, determines our ambition in matters of life and indeed, death. If our fate is indeed, ours to determine, then we are indeed lost. Religion will not give you any answers either because you will live in a false sense of reality where we believe that ritual can help us to control our fate.  Life’s reality is harsh and breeds fear. When we feel we've just got to hold on, we are still believing that we are the solution to our problems. Unfortunately, the lens of life that we have been using to determine our actions, has had a warped filter on it since we made our first faltering steps into reason and ambition. Our materialistic foundations, like the sands of time, have been constantly moving, slipping through our fingers until there is none left.

We have a determination within us that makes an assumption that our best is not going to be good enough, making us feel awkward when we declare that something we have said  or done is actually any good. When we offer up a piece of ourselves to the scrutiny of others, it exposes our vulnerability. When we are uncertain that what we offer is to be accepted, we are naturally cautious of the feelings of vulnerability and the anxiety that these actions birth within us. When the reception of our offering to our social circle does not attain the adulation we expected of it, we feel a sense of shame in that we dared to share it in the first place. We experience a sense of grief that what we have creatively birthed as an expression of our individuality, has been rejected by our critical peers.

When we determine that there is no value in what we offer within our social interactions with peers, then we will never feel good about who we are… there is no sense of worth; we consider our social interactions to be worthless through the warped lens we view our lives through. We know we have a problem when we start to imply that there is something indeed wrong with our own nature; that we lack relevance; we lack confidence; we become incapacitated and indecisive. We seek that placebo we have always used, to hide how we really feel. 

“It doesn't matter, don't worry about me, I thought that might be the case anyway… not to worry, I’m sure that you have enough to consider without having to deal with my concerns as well.”

We devalue our own sense of self when we defer to others out of a sense of shame from the vulnerability we might sense if what we offer, is not seen to be good enough. Who determines whether it is good enough? Jesus through the cross, reveals to each one of us that he loves us and that what we have to offer is enough. When we are vulnerable to Jesus’ love for us, shown by his passion to endure the humiliation, flogging and eventual crucifixion by the hands of the very people for whom he came to save, we cannot but say to him, “take me as I am.” In this place of vulnerability, we recognise that we are not the instruments for our own salvation. We don’t have to endure the emotional abyss that is life without God, striving after the adulation of man, wealth or status.

Jesus gives us the power to accept our humanity and gives us the courage to express who we are in him. When we share this vulnerability with others, it is Christ’s light alive within us, that draws people into relationship with God as equals and co-heirs in the kingdom of God. Jesus shows us that we are all worthy of being loved and that all who choose to follow him, belong to him in the bond of covenant that Jesus instigates, that all who believe in him will nor perish, but will have eternal life.

We can know today the truth that Jesus spoke of; to a confused and doubting Thomas: “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me. If you had really known me, you would know who my Father is. From now on, you do know him and have seen him!” (John 14:6, NLT) We know that later, after Jesus' resurrection, that Thomas wanted to physically see the risen Jesus: 

Thomas replied, “I won’t believe it unless I see the nail wounds in his hands, put my fingers into them, and place my hand into the wound in his side.” Eight days later the disciples were together again, and this time Thomas was with them. The doors were locked; but suddenly, as before, Jesus was standing among them. “Peace be with you,” he said. Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and look at my hands. Put your hand into the wound in my side. Don’t be faithless any longer. Believe! “My Lord and my God!” Thomas exclaimed. Then Jesus told him, “You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who believe without seeing me.” (John 20:24-29, NLT)

Look again at the cross this Easter and see the King of Heaven hanging on the cursed tree; for our salvation and his eternal Glory. Come to him all who are burdened with life's expectations, seeking out his love for you, which never falters. "Come back to the Father." He is the difference that we are all looking for. The one who brings freedom from the slavery of our broken lives; setting us on a path that leads us to eternal joy...