Moving Forward in Faith

When I started to write this blog, it was February and we were in the Christian season of Lent. This is the period of time that begins with Pancake Day (Shrove Tuesday), leading up to the Easter events that have reshaped our known world, whether you believe in Jesus or you don’t. Lent is a time when we consider putting aside the things we know we shouldn't do, in favour of becoming the person that God intended us to be. We willingly enter into this process because of who God is. In his son Jesus, we can see how the ‘Warrior King’ of David’s time, became the suffering servant as prophesied by Isaiah in chapter 53, startlingly written over 600 years before the events he described took place…

He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word. He was led like a lamb to the slaughter. As a sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth. Unjustly condemned, he was led away. No one cared that he died without descendants, that his life was cut short in midstream. But he was struck down for the rebellion of my people. He had done no wrong and had never deceived anyone. But he was buried like a criminal; he was put in a rich man’s grave. But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush him and cause him grief. Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have many descendants. He will enjoy a long life, and the Lord’s good plan will prosper in his hands. When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied. Because of his experience, my righteous servant will make it possible for many to be counted righteous, for he will bear all their sins. I will give him the honours of a victorious soldier, because he exposed himself to death.

At the end of Lent I renamed the blog, ‘The Elephant in the Room’ because of the unspoken things that still trouble our spirits in the journey into faith. In particular I battled in my dialogue with the issue of the same sex marriage bill being put through parliament because it was, and still is, topical in the UK. The Christian community had started to camp behind battle lines; emotive speaker’s spoke of ‘reason’, tradition, and the law, rather than about people and the lifestyle choices they make… As though the issue was about a choice that one would make as when flicking a switch.

The line used would go like this: ‘Do you accept that homosexuality is a sin?’ if so, 'do you therefore accept that same sex marriage is also a sin? Not only that, but sin personified?' As if homosexuality isn't a human characteristic and could be given up as easily as one might wear a Nicotine patch and give up smoking. Christians do not have moral authority; God does. He is the one who saves; we are unable to keep the law and we deceive ourselves if we think we are the righteous ones.

Sin is the result of our human nature; having free will to choose what course we want to take, and in knowing the difference between what is good and what is evil. Our human nature is one that is fallen; one that is broken; one that is desperately in need of God. I believe 100% that God heals supernaturally and I have no doubt that men and women can be healed of all forms of sexual sin by the transformation of the Holy Spirit.

I do feel however, that it isn't appropriate when something of this nature is woven into the fabric of a person’s identity, that we should be pointing at the speck in their eyes without looking at the log in our own. We can only show people the truth and give them space to make holy choices. If we believe that God gives us the authority to question secular culture, it is through his grace that we do so, with the love that Christ first revealed to us. As it is, we were all once far off from receiving this grace: “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard.” (Romans 3:23)

We can challenge secular culture through our love which is borne out of our desire to serve each other. Finger pointing and name calling, however righteous and however scripturally proven delivered without love is but a clanging gong or a clashing symbol (1 Corinthians 13). Those of us, who want to reach out to all people, will surely want to reconcile people to God in-spite of the sin that is visible and apparent. When we understand the depth of our own brokenness, we can reach out in love without fear, changing lives in the process, and drawing attention to the one who saves. Or we can retreat behind our ideologies, our theology and our traditions because it is convenient to do so.

What is very clear is that we have seen in this millennium, a generational change which we have not seen since the 1960’s sexual revolution. This shift unsettles Christians because it appears to be eroding ethical standards that were once Christian in nature, but are evolving into secularism. The church has been slow to react to this change and seems unprepared for such swings in social consciousness; perhaps pointing out Gods law and the danger of following secular beliefs and how they affect the human spirit as the first round, rather than pointing to Jesus. We need to be careful in choosing to make judgements that were issued to Gods people Israel, and to Christians through the apostles, while applying this to those who do not believe:

‘For you remember what we taught you by the authority of the Lord Jesus. God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honour—not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways. Never harm or cheat a Christian brother in this matter by violating his wife, for the Lord avenges all such sins, as we have solemnly warned you before. God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives. Therefore, anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human teaching but is rejecting God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.’ 

(1 Thessalonian's 4:2-7)

There will be those who would consider me to be an internet liberal: One who doesn't align himself with the canon of traditional theology. I may also perhaps, be considered with contempt for appearing to oppose the views of the traditional evangelical. This couldn't be further from the truth. I fully recognise that I fail. I understand that I sin because God through his Son Jesus, points that out in me. I know that I can only enter into the presence of God because I am covered by Christ’s righteousness; there is no good in me. I can learn to be ‘good’ and I can learn to put in place boundaries that guard my heart against the enemy, but these will always fail as soon as I step away from Christ’s love: “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)

We are in a spiritual battle that began at the beginning of God’s plan for creation, and will not end until the return of the King. Until that time, we are in a battle between good and evil, and against principalities and powers: “Put on the whole armour of God that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. (Galatians 6:11-12)

And so to illustrate this, I am going to wrestle in this blog, with my inner thoughts regarding my own battle with the sexual choices I have made, and still have to make, against the backdrop of the traditional evangelical approach to sexual relationships… The secret things of our minds which are never spoken of, but which have a foothold in our character. I am going to be quite candid so if you are sensitive, please do not be offended. You may feel that my openness leads you to form a judgement about who I am in spite of all you have read about me over the last 20 weeks through this blog. Is not all sin equal…?

Would your immediate reaction be to disregard me in the same way that we might disregard someone who is in a same sex relationship? But maybe, just maybe, we would stop thinking that sin is out there in what others do, or that some sin is worse than others, and start to grab hold of the sin that we ought to be dealing with ourselves. Rather than pointing out the brokenness of others, let’s focus on avoiding becoming like the older brother in the prodigal son story:

“The older brother was angry and wouldn't go in. His father came out and begged him, but he replied, ‘All these years I've slaved for you and never once refused to do a single thing you told me to. And in all that time you never gave me even one young goat for a feast with my friends. Yet when this son of yours comes back after squandering your money on prostitutes, you celebrate by killing the fattened calf!’

“His father said to him, ‘Look, dear son, you have always stayed by me, and everything I have is yours. We had to celebrate this happy day. For your brother was dead and has come back to life! He was lost, but now he is found!’”(Luke 15:28-31)

In search of my own sense of purity and self-righteousness, I have tried to put aside any pretensions to being ‘good’; relinquish the pride I have in my moral accomplishments, and place everything before God … and I mean everything. Sometimes we fail to hear the truth about our nature, or indeed we become belligerent about it – becoming hostile or aggressive when people point out our failings… We fail to see what their problem is and it can become an issue that the devil drops down at our feet to make us stumble - Whoever said that Christian discipleship would be easy?

One of the things I dislike is having my failings pointed out. It comes from my childhood where I had to look after myself and pursue my own choices in life because my parents didn't seem to care. I have a lot of pride in my ability to be resilient and my independence has meant that I will try and do everything myself. So being told I am doing something wrong when I believe I am juggling all of the balls really well, cuts through to my core… sounds a bit like a description of sin doesn't it?

I can remember on my first day of senior school (age 11 to 18 in the UK), I was woken by my friend from the neighbourhood travelling to the same school for the induction day. I had no alarm, my parents didn't get up, so I didn't know the time nor had I considered keeping to a routine. I hurriedly dressed and rushed from the house to avoid embarrassment. I had no money, no lunch, no school equipment and sleep in my eyes but we got there! On arrival I quickly realised I was not in the same class as my friends and being a social introvert, I withdrew into my shell where the cloud of loneliness has never really lifted.

As a result of a pattern of parental negligence (they had their own stuff to deal with), I had become pretty secure in my own skin; there was no support at home so I just got on with life. I don’t hold a grudge about this, it’s just the way it was… my naivety saved me from any sense I was missing out because I didn't think life for others was any different and I don’t mind my own company. As I am rarely aware of the need to be sociable, I can get home and potter with work or my own stuff; I never even contemplated that I was alone. I can only thank God for that. He has sustained me throughout my whole life… he has kept me safe from addiction (although at times I have had addictions), from depression (although I have at times ‘felt’ depressed), and from fear and anxiety (who hasn't had these feelings?)… I have always lived within my means but have also experienced real poverty because of this; except perhaps for homelessness, although even that was a close run thing.

I have gone so long without having any true friends, except for my wife, that I wouldn't know what to look out for if I developed a more substantial relationship with those I meet regularly with. I can go for many weeks without talking about my own thoughts and feelings to anyone other than my wife; there just isn't anyone out there. 

A few years into our marriage, my wife and I read a book called ‘The 5 Love Language’s’ by Gary Chapman, that identified different strands to expressing forms of love in relationships. There is a website you can visit to get more depth surrounding the topic at http://www.5lovelanguages.com, but the themes cover: Words of Affirmation; Acts of Service; Receiving gifts; Quality time; and Physical touch.

Now my wife and I read this book as part of what married people do to strengthen their marriages and I was fine with it until the ‘Physical Touch’ chapter. Words of affirmation are a no-brainer as we all need to be made aware of our value. Acts of service too is a no-brainer as we wanted to serve each other. Receiving and more importantly, giving gifts is something I relish to do as it was something I felt showed affection. Spending quality time was much harder because we both had busy jobs, but there was never a moment that my wife and I spent time doing our own thing, rather than sharing our lives. But physical, that was harder. We both approached our physical relationship from different tangents which created tension in our relationship.

My issue with the physical can be linked right back to my observations of my parents in childhood… I didn't receive any warm embraces that I can remember, but I do remember the physical beatings with the bare hand or slipper, for the indiscretions that children make. My mother particularly was very argumentative. I think she felt that we lied and we were manipulative, when in fact we were frightened of her. A classic argument would be around biscuits. We had to ask for any additional food that supplemented meal times, but there wasn't a lot of it. We lived on social security benefits provided by the government, which wasn't enough for all of the bills. So a packet of biscuits was a luxury, which with four boys, didn't last long.

I felt that my mother would always say no to additional biscuits, particularly at the rate we ate them! We were also fearful of the confrontation that would ensue if we asked for a biscuit after lunch or dinner with questions such as, ‘Not eaten enough food for tea?’ The arguments were vicious, and we were fearful of being found out if we secretly took one or two; we lied about eating them; the interrogation often lead to a beating on the back of the leg. The moral value my mother was trying to convey was not to lie about taking the biscuits, but I am still not sure whether my mother knew how fearful we were of her wrath.

So for me, physical affection was limited to aggression and parenting at arm’s length. Part of my personality sought physical and emotional affection. I had not made many friends at school because I was unable to socialise due to my inhibitions, and I had always been an observer and follower of a crowd, never a natural leader, and so I became a victim of bullying. So if I start by going right back to pre-teen years and the conversations that are had in school between boys surrounding girls and sexual attraction… Boys particularly talk about masturbation. My discovery of this practice meant that I experienced a sense of fulfilment that was missing from other aspects of my life at that time.

Now there are many Christians who have the opinion that masturbation is a sexual sin that should be discouraged because of the sexual imagery used in your mind and the lusting and desire seen to be needed. Verses in scripture regarding keeping our bodies pure are often quoted against masturbation: “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” (Ephesians 5:16); ‘But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.’ (James 1:14-15).

Scripture in Deuteronomy 9:23 talks about the ‘un-cleanness’ of wet dreams in terms of ritual purity and of Onan’s actions in Genesis 38:9  where he would not father a child for his late brother. These are just two of the verses used as a reference towards the inappropriateness of masturbation. I think there is a more obvious thinking around these texts that is not just to do with the act itself. It is a focus on how we honour God. If the sexual sin drives us to such distraction that we lose all sight of God, then this is what the text aims at. When we focus on him, all other things fall neatly into place as we put together the jigsaw of our life. So yes, it would be better for us to refrain from masturbation as the text suggests, but this is done through our devotion to the one who set us free, not a Pharisaical observance of the law, like some Christian commentators would suggest.

Another perspective to this is that self-gratification is a self-absorbing activity. There can be a need for the individual to create in them, a feeling of intimacy and self-gratification that is missing from the physicality of their lives… a withdrawal of love or affection; a lack of physical attention; poor body image and weak esteem. This is where I found myself as a young teenage boy, and I have to say, a Christian teenage boy. There are many different perspectives to the complexity of our desire for sexual fulfilment. We need to tread carefully about how we approach all aspects of sexual expression... working out what is lawful and what is helpful, and avoiding being enslaved by such things (1 Corinthians 6:9-12). We need to get a better balance between what our fallen nature desires, and the connections that this desire makes within our physical, emotional and social context so that we can preach the Gospel, rather than preach about our inability to keep the law.

If I develop my theme a little further, as a Christian teenage boy, I had heard through a lot of youth work about the traditional evangelical and historic view about sex before marriage. I agree with all of that which has been written about sexual encounters between two people. It opens up a level of emotional attachment and spiritual connection through the physical encounter, where both parties leave themselves vulnerable to one another. In a tender loving relationship, this intimacy is an experience to savour, and one worth repeating, but in many sexual encounters, the pull of the emotions and dare I say, the spiritual connection made in the act of sex is severely damaged when relegated to lust… where one ‘just has to get laid.’

There are many men and an increasing number of women who live promiscuous lives in the guise that they are searching for the ‘one’ whom they may want to spend the rest of their lives with, when in reality, they are feeding the natural desire of their body mind and spirit, with short term sexual encounters and in so doing, breaking their hearts in the process. When you look at putting all of the five love languages together within the sex act, we first flirt with words and sometimes actions which affirm each other’s status; we wine and dine each other and the men have opportunities to display their chivalry. Our hearts are opened up to the emotion and spiritual connection we make with that person as we learn to trust who they are without truly finding out.

Swayed by popular culture, we give of ourselves that which we can never regain… our sexual dignity. There is a cruel game being played out in many bars, clubs and pubs where people are being tricked into the bedroom through false pretences and although consenting, can awake in the morning feeling used and sometimes abused. The sad thing is that the failed encounter leaves in those searching for a relationship, the need to try it all again so that they don’t feel it was a wasted effort.

Sex sells… there are few products that do not use some form of sexual chemistry to sell it. Pornography is endemic on the internet and is shaping popular culture in the forms of sexual encounters that people have. It creates body image pressures; problems with sexual identity; an un-healthy interest in performance; and leaves many people exposed to sexual exploitation… Why has the reporting of paedophilia in the UK risen? It is a mess.

Young people today are being sold a lie about the way that relationships work. I have sat in school where local sexual health councillors talk about keeping children safe in sexual encounters when they have not yet reached the legal age for consent in the UK. It’s like there is an underlying assumption that children are having sex, so we need to educate them to make them safe.

I cannot understand the mentality of this method of instruction to our young people. You know, we are happy to talk about sexually transmitted disease and how safe sex helps to prevent people from catching something that can affect your health. But I have never in 20 years in education, ever sat in a session where we talk about relationships, sexual exploitation, saying no, or even trying to educate students properly without them being corrupted by choreographed positions from pornography films and sexual innuendo.

Yet it is with sadness to note that every person who has had multiple partners has experienced some form of brokenness that the church through promoting monogamous relationships was aiming to avoid. People try to blame the church for restricting our freedoms to express ourselves through sex for far too long, in preference to the current climate. I think that people have miss-understood the churches message on this through different historical contexts, and in throwing away its message have created something far more damaging to society.

Equally those of us, who have tried to manage their sexual desire through to marriage, have suffered as many of the lustful thoughts as those who go ahead and indulge themselves. Jesus is recorded in Matthew 5:28 as stating: “But I say anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Jesus was talking to religious people who believed they understood the law of God, but here, he was trying to enlighten them to the highest standard that God demands of us; that we move beyond the evidence of the physical act and examine our hearts.

As a university student and a Christian man, I was overwhelmed with the idea that there was opportunity for ‘no-strings-attached’ sexual encounters. I would never have contemplated acting on my impulse, but as Jesus stated, our battle for sexual purity is not just a physical one, but a spiritual one. If I, as an evangelical Christian, who was brought up with talks on avoiding sexual indiscretion and abstinence until marriage, could be plagued with mind-sex, then how much more would those who do not have this moral compass, succumb to the depths of their desire?

Its summer in the UK where temperatures are promised to be at 22°C for a whole week! Our western dress code leaves few inhibitions with what is appropriate clothing to wear in the high street, leaving little to the imagination. For men who are trying to retain some form of sexual integrity, honour their partners with their fidelity; and avoid slipping into leering glances or lustful thoughts; it can be extraordinarily difficult to manage our discretion at times. Yet we glance, then we look, then we catch ourselves lingering… it is important to have to put in place a mechanism to deal with our lust and desire to protect us from ourselves. For me, when someone’s dress code catches my eye, I have developed a voice-in-the-head code to look away and not linger; to not look back at them or return my gaze.

Only in Jesus can we find comfort for the burdens of this life… and I can tell you, it is a burden. Our culture has been so completely sexualised that there is no rest from the bombardment of our senses of sexual imagery or suggestion. Men can become slaves to this, and I can only assume that women do too.

I became my own slave trapped within my Christian outer shell, with a volcano of sexual frustration that was created because of what my Christianity denied me. Like a great many things in life, just because we want a thing, doesn't make it right, and over indulgence in one area leads to the neglect of others. As a teenager, I managed my sexual urge through masturbation. For me it was the only way-out of the sexual mind games that boiled inside my head. I knew what Christians thought about masturbation, but it suited me to ignore the seemingly pious but well-meaning comment about sexual imagery and lusting over fantasy because of the protection of my sanity and indeed, protect my celibacy as I waited for the right partner and marriage.

I would beat myself up about my un-righteousness and even my un-worthiness to serve God. In the company of other Christians, due to the guilt I felt from reading verses like those looked at earlier, I would take on submissive roles rather than developing any sense of leadership, almost like when I was in the playground; but only this time, it was me that beat myself up. So looking back again at the root causes of my pattern of behaviour, stemming back to my childhood, masturbation became a form of self-medicating drug… it enabled me to function; it became a comfort, even an addiction.

The early years of my marriage were also dominated by my misunderstanding of sexual experiences and my unbalanced priorities, driven by a secular world view. Now that I was allowed to have sex within the confines of my marriage, the amount of sex and the quality of the sex were recurring discussions between us… My wife too had issues from her teenage years that took a good few years for us to place in perspective, and allow God to work through us both. For me, I could easily have been distracted by the lure of sexual experiences outside of marriage, but God stands by us in our struggle; his presence in me sustains me in the fight with my sin. He knows us more intimately than we know ourselves, and he knows how much we can bear, but we often forget this when our focus is on us, rather than on him…

Here are a few verses for meditation about who we are in Christ:

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. (Psalm 139:1-4)

                                                                         

‘For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.’

(Ephesians 1:4-5)

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.’ (Ephesians 2:10)

God is always for us… he never sets his face against those who profess his name and call on his grace given freely through his son Jesus Christ. It is on Christ’s solid rock that I stand, not my own… I am rotten to the core and undeserving of his love. However, his love found me and drew me in. He has rescued me from the pitiful excuse for a man that I believe I am, and puts me back into a place of honour. I am HIS son. Nothing can take away from the fact that he loves me in-spite of what he knows of me! Of course his heart bleeds when I make mistakes; of course he has to show me what I have done wrong – that is how every loving parent works with their child.

Unlike my mum who was confrontational, and my dad who was absent but opinionated, God is reliable. He is the best father I could have found… I am here today purely because of his love. He has blessed me with a wife and family, career, income, a home, cars, holidays, and food – you know, he has blessed me with life. Yes, life gets tough! But you know - God is bigger than all of it. He is desperate to save me, and he is my only and best hope for a full and eternal life.

I have been quite frank in this blog to urge us all to press in to God by faith and with thanksgiving in our hearts. We must remind ourselves of what Jesus has done to rescue us from our sin and honour his Spirit that he has placed in our hearts. HIS breastplate of righteousness is held in front of my chest; it isn't mine. His crown of salvation is on my head, not anything I could have achieved through good deeds. Let’s stop judging and start loving. You know, I still fail; I can condemn myself in my failure with a modern version of self-flagellation like monastic monks used to practice to tame their sinful bodies, or I can admit my fault to God and make amends to the people I have damaged through the expressions of my own brokenness.

Life is more than being about cause and effect; in the classroom I hear all sorts of excuses about why or how a piece of school work hasn't been completed, or why a set of instructions are ignored creating further complications later on in their learning. But in all of it, I see children battling with their nature. They cannot see that the teacher has their best interests at heart so that they can show progression during the session… they do have a responsibility to minimise distraction, and it is their responsibility to stop themselves being distracted. Students have to choose to be active in their learning rather than passive; to follow advice given rather than make-it-up for themselves. We are all life-long learners of the Gospel… we call it Discipleship. This is the key to our spiritual growth; allowing us to move-on in our faith.

So final thoughts… We have to admit that we have recurring sin that we have never got on top of; we might even think that our faults are only little faults and not as great as sexual immorality. Perhaps even, we have sin that we have never brought before God? Then what are we waiting for? We need to pray without ceasing about this issue, repenting and asking God for help… this might get a bit messy! Out of our prayer we need to wait on God so that he enters in and quashes that temptation with his Spirit... it may take time or it may be done in an instant... we may need to confess it... when we truly understand his total forgiveness, the spirit will have broken that conflict within, for as long as you turn from that sin. There are so many Christian men and women who keep re-visiting old memories of sin and pain that we should have given up, and forgotten about a long time ago... don't forget, this battle is spiritual and the enemy fights dirty!

We need to ask for a fresh anointing of his Spirit on our lives, so that it pours out through us, into this world that he created, and loves so much. God is always about reconciling HIS people back to himself… and we are all God’s children. God wants to reach out, to heal, to restore, to renew, and to rebuild his house upon the solid rock of Christ because all other ground is sinking sand.

‘Yet to all who have received him, to those who have believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God- children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.’

(John 1:12-13)