If you look into the mirror, tell me what do you see?

Hi all, sorry in the delay in posting this week. I’ve been feeling a bit low and I can’t place my finger on why that is, but feeling this way always tends to leave me with a sense of introspection... or naval gazing! So apologies in advance if you find it a little self-indulgent, but I don’t believe in hiding emotions, preferring to be honest before God who knows my heart most of all, and to you all who have read my blogs over the last few months. It was my birthday on Saturday (42) so I was well looked after by my wife and children, and we had a busy weekend with a bit of decorating, birthday trip to the shopping mall and an evening meal. Sunday I was on the PA for the band, Ferrari won the Grand Prix and all went well.

So Monday was the return to work day, and for the first time in my career, I was disenfranchised by the prospect. As a secondary school teacher I have always tried to be the best I can be (to use a phrase we use in our PSHE classes), and due to this I have had success in my career over the years, rising in pay levels and in status. However, I am feeling a bit shallow right now. The new curriculum being prescribed by the current education minister is totally backward in its understanding of design, technology and engineering, and has simply left me cold. For example, I now have to schedule horticulture into my Technology teaching. Now I enjoy plants and flowers eat my veg and appreciate the role of farming in society and our economy, but I am no gardener. I mow the lawn, trim back the bushes and that’s about it…oh and the weeding.

It got me to wondering in my naval gazing way, what God has in store for me now... you’ve brought me this far God, so what’s next? For three years now, God has reawakened in me an old calling I got as a teenager, and I’ve been wondering about this, my current job, and my sense of purpose since then. It’s nothing to do with any mid-life crisis! Professionally, I have been put through the ringer on a number of occasions, particularly in recent months where I have had parents, pupils, colleagues, and government inspectors challenging my little bubble of existence. It put some alarm bells in my mind about my place in the big scheme of things, as though God was saying that this is the terminal, it’s time to make the connecting train. The trouble is, I can’t see where the destination is just yet to know which train to travel on.

You see, I really don’t make big plans because I know that God has been looking after me all of my life; I go with the flow. In my workplace, I hope that those in leadership see my loyalty, dedication, ambition and professionalism; that their observation of my work ethic would lead to the creation of opportunities for me to show what I can do professionally. So when my ability to do this is challenged, it isn’t just a blip, it’s also an attack of my core values because I believe that teaching is what God called me into.

I seem to be bouncing off closed doors; the 'low' that I am feeling is in my need to decide on a path to follow. I can't quite see where God is graciously leading me. But right now I feel stagnant… a feeling amplified by sense of the blues. Do I need to do some horticulture like in the new curriculum I have to teach and pull out some weeds, prune back some unfruitful parts of my life and gain some extra nutrients to help me grow? Jesus talks many times about gardeners, vineyards, farmers and particularly, talents. Are we sewing or reaping, ploughing the ground, fertilising, protecting, tending or nurturing new growth?

Perhaps if I explain about who I am, then you may understand where I am coming from. I am a child of the 70’s 80’s. No computer games or multi-TV channels; LP’s where still on Vinyl no downloading tracks, and I can remember why SONY use the brand Walkman! In my life time I have seen an explosion of Technology that is just mind blowing… I guess it’s why I teach about it. Unfortunately coming from a working class background, we never had the finance to keep up with modern trends. When I got to secondary school, my parent’s divorced and I went through my teens without my father’s influence, being brought up by my mum on state benefits.

At that point I became pretty independent… made my own lunches, took myself off to school cycling 5 miles in all weather. We didn’t go on foreign holidays or have the ‘latest’ gadgets like my friends. Being a family on benefits, we had no spare cash; we didn’t go ‘out’ as a family, nor did we eat ‘out’. Meals were sparse and quite bland except for Sunday roast. We lived on the poverty line. All four of us boys slept head to toe in a bunk bed in a small spare room. Being the eldest, I was always tuned into my mum’s problems to do with money or the hardship of bringing up four boys on her own. I never had any money to go out with friends or even go and catch a movie. I received a lot of bullying at school… it wasn’t fun.

My mum’s disciplinary style was a short sharp slap on the back of your thigh, or a slipper if it was to hand, and we had to do what we were told or else. Having nothing to do, free time revolved around watching TV or the new gadget, the VHS player and video tape. Pleasure came from biscuits and chocolate mainly. With no-one to support my mum, being the eldest, I lived through her pain and always had a feeling of powerlessness. When I first met my wife, I was emotionally broken from having to live by my own means, and having experience what could be described today as being ‘neglected’ or even ‘abused’. I never saw it that way… It was the way it was, get used to it. So I grew up with a hardened heart… except for God’s grace working on me through my love of worship. We had to be rational, we couldn’t be indulgent or spend time dreaming of what could be if only we had… You make your own luck.

I stayed on in school after failing a few too many ‘O-Levels’ and did ‘A’ Level exams before going to University. I really loved making things with my hands and designing, and God opened doorways for me to see that there was another world out there beyond my working class up-bringing. I aspired to become a teacher and chose to do a B.Ed (Hons) in Education and Design. University life opened me up to experience a much wider Christian community, particularly as in the early 1990’s I attended the late David Watson’s Church, St Michael Le Belfry for their evening charismatic services where I experienced what it meant to be filled with the spirit of God.

So what is the point I’m trying to make? Well we each have our own story where we can look back along our path and see where the hand of God led us and picked us up. Many of us have seen the ‘Footprint’s in the sand’ sentiment poster. I knew from an early age that this was me. My earthly father didn’t seem to care; my mum was too involved with her own ‘stuff’ to deal with four boys, and I was alone and very lonely. I had been in Sunday school since the age of about 3, and had grown up through the years to recognise that despite all that was going on in my life, and all that had happened in the past, I couldn’t shake the truth about Jesus from my mind.


I can remember when I was first challenged to answer for what I believed was true about Jesus. A Sunday school teacher asked the question: “Imagine you are writing a news headline about Jesus riding into Jerusalem on a donkey. How would you feel? What would you write about?” I can’t remember my answer except for the conviction in my heart that Jesus was who he said he was, and I could get to know him, to understand him as a friend, and that HE wouldn’t let me down.

At 18 within one week before I went to University, at the two different churches I was attending on a Sunday, I had a revelation from God that I have never been able to shake. I went to the Anglican Church I had attend since a small child in the morning where I was a Sunday school/youth worker, and as I was dating a girl who went to a Baptist church, I joined their youth group and went to their evening service. The priest of the Anglican Church invited me to dinner after the service and said a weird thing… “Roger,” he said, “when I write my evening sermons, I write it aimed at you as you are the only young person there who seems to get what it all means… have you considered going into the Ministry?” I made a few muttering answers about not being sure about infant baptisms or why the Church wouldn’t accept women priests… and left.

I went to the Baptist Church in the evening and the minister’s sermon was about ‘calling!’ I was pinned to my seat. As an evangelical who hadn’t experience the charismatic movement, I hadn’t experienced such a presence of the Holy Spirit in such a way before; that deep inner sense of God’s conviction came over me. When I became a Christian, I knew it was right to believe in Jesus… it all made sense. I recognised my need for him in my life… I was desperate to know the Father’s heart and his love for me, it was an easy decision to make. My conversion verse was Revelation 3:20… ‘Behold I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my call and opens the door, I will enter and eat with him.’ I knew it was about my rebellion against God’s will for my life, and that I had to choose to follow… I needed his presence in my soul. I didn’t know of the work of the Holy Spirit in this process, but on that summer’s night sat in the Baptist Church, I felt the presence of God through that call made by the Baptist preacher, for people to go and plant seeds in the fields because the harvest is plentiful but the workers were few. (Matthew 9:37)

I couldn’t stop thinking about it, my heart pounding in my chest; I was certain of my emotion and knew I had to respond. I went to see the minister who provided me with the ‘stock’ Baptist calling to ministry leaflets which I took away to University to do my degree. It never occurred to me to change my degree, so for a while, 20 years, I have mixed my sense of vocation to teach in school rather than in church. Now I find my heart yearning to teach in church and not in school! If I had taken that step at 18, I may not be writing this blog or have my family, home and friends. However God planted the seed in my heart that I cannot hide any longer.

In my career, I have always worked hard and put my heart and soul into the Job I do, the children I care about, and the education I know I can offer through my efforts. With God’s blessing, I have had a good career, but now the doors seem to have closed. I have a number of choices that do not seem to be the correct path to go down, but if I stay as I am, I will grow more restless. Hence my sense of the blues… I am waiting on God but I am a little impatient. I want a clear path to help me make the decisions I need to make to move forward.

I am well paid and have a good life balance now that I am a little older and don’t try to save the world by myself… but this makes me feel a bit trapped because of my desire to support my family and I can’t see how God is going to do that! In my professional life, it seems the skills I have to offer are not in demand any longer, unless I move on and start again. But my question today is ‘Do I have the passion for that?’ The answer in my heart is… No. So I am at a dead end. I need more of God and less of me.

I always’ try my best to serve and honour those that have given me opportunities to work for them. Jesus and Paul talk about honouring our employers as though we are honouring God. In so doing, our employer will see our dedication and in return, we can show how our Father is at work in our lives and can help in bringing their focus to the creator. It’s not about me… trying to be selfless so that others can flourish, perhaps for no regard except, where only my father in heaven will see what is done in secret.

Due to my need to be independent and find my own way in life, I have had to believe that the decisions I make are right. When someone challenges me that my best isn’t good enough, I am really troubled by that because I feel I have also let God down. If my actions do not reflect God in my workplace, then what of my vocation to be the best that I can be as a Christian teacher?

I look at the poem about the footprints in the sand and ask the Lord to show me where he is leading and have the courage to follow… to avoid procrastination – all talk but no go! I started writing these blogs as a way of countering some of the negative comments about Christianity. I want to show the father’s heart so that we may find encouragement in our journeys together. I used to have another poster on my wall in my student days. It was a picture of Christ on the cross with a crown of thorns, and on the background it simply said: ‘I asked the Lord to show me how much he loved me’… to which he answered, ‘This much.’ And he stretched out his arms and died.

So have I been procrastinating… hiding in my role of a teacher? Am I reading the signs correctly…? Is now the time? How do I answer God’s call today with my financial and family commitments? How do I take those first steps? Where is my boldness to do what God asks or my youthful zeal? I know that I should be patient and wait on the Lord, for he knows the plans he has for me. He just asks me to be obedient. So I will get up in the morning and try to be the best that I can be. Hoping that the light of Christ within me will shine brightly through my faithful obedience to his will for my life. God has already made the ultimate sacrifice for me, so am I trusting enough to believe that my God is big enough to overcome the issues that create my barriers to moving forward and trust that he has my best interests at heart.

An old song I used to play had the line in it: ‘Love is not a feeling it’s an act of the will.’ How will I choose to follow God today, tomorrow, next week? Pray, read his word, talk with others to make sure my calling is certain and right for my character and experience, wait on the Lord, and pray some more. I hope that the paths that you are all walking along are littered with signposts, pointing you to the truth, as that is the only thing that can set you free.

I leave you with Ecclesiastes 3 to meditate on, as I will be doing over the next few weeks.

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.