It’s not what we say we are; what we say, we are.

How we respond to everyday situations reveals more about ourselves than perhaps how we think we are perceived by others. We can boast of what we can do, or what we have accomplished, but it is in the unguarded moments, when our emotions are high and our reasoning frazzled, that we get a glimpse of our true self. Often, we don’t like this side of our nature, trying to bury it before anyone else sees it. 


For some, particularly those who wear their hearts on their sleeves, whose emotions are always raw and bubbling just under the surface, we can get angry and confrontational at the slightest provocation. Like those of us who experience ‘road rage’ when being witness to poor driving standards.

Processing what we know to be true of ourselves, while dealing with the consequences of our actions, is one of life’s complexities. We can often feel exposed when our coping mechanisms are overwhelmed. I am no psychiatrist, but I am aware that our perception of who we are, what we have done, what has been done to us, and how we process the emotions of those experiences, is not taught but rather awkwardly caught whilst we are off-guard. 

We scan stumble along in our inhibitions in a kind of bubble, that makes us believe that we are the only one experiencing what we are going through. We are also not very good at guarding our emotional and mental health from the dangers that we expose ourselves to, getting wounded and damaged along the way. There are however, always those who have more extrovert personalities whom, through sheer force of will, seem to endure on the outside at least... but we all hide some hidden shame or feel the pain of wronged emotions, if we were to dwell for a while, on our innermost feelings.

When we meet Jesus for the first time, it is like this burden has been unlocked from our shoulders and we experience a sense of relief, that can only come when we know that we are loved completely... that our past mistakes are forgiven and more importantly, forgotten; that we are indeed cherished by him. In Jesus, we should have no doubt about the lengths he took to win us back for himself when we look up at the cross. This is what Paul writes:

“I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39, NLT).

But do we really believe that? 

When we hear that God loves us, we immediately think of that romantic love which, like ice in the sun, evaporates away to nothing if it is not put back in the freezer. Or we may think of unrequited love for those things which are unattainable or perhaps, the denial of love we have experienced at times in our lives. All of our mixed-up experiences of love, lead to the confusing image of the 'strap line' seen on many Christians posters: that God is Love.

If we have not wholeheartedly given our lives over to God, there will always be an uneasy tension with what we believe God wants for us, due to our misguided perceptions of who he is, and the reality. Our need of God, is highlighted by what we understand of our human nature; that life shouldn't be this way. When we measure ourselves against the Law of God, we find ourselves coming up short. If we feel obliged by guilt to strive for God’s love, perhaps similar to the echo of the memories we might have of trying to attain the love of a parent, we may think that we need to live a certain type of lifestyle or behave in a certain way, in order that we might earn his love or more directly, his acceptance.

When we believe we have failed in attaining God's favour, we immediately think that God must be upset with us. This type of thinking however, is foolish. Even though our human nature has a predilection to assume the worst, it is never like that with God. This is the biggest barrier to knowing God that many of us struggle with; would God be interested in me? It is where the enemy of God’s love, the devil, has his most fun with us. If he can wound our hearts, break our will, and squash our hope, we will think of ourselves as unworthy of receiving God’s grace. This is far from the gospel story. God’s love was poured out for all. Jesus’ life was ransomed for us at great cost to himself. He would do it all again if he needed to. God’s love endures forever.

So why do we do the things we know that we shouldn’t do, yet become reluctant when challenged to move beyond our comfort zone, in search of a closer relationship with God?

As people who live in the western world, our society has evolved exponentially, in its quest for equality, tolerance and respect. This has been achieved through the relaxation of the rules of social etiquette and religious observance. The Law of God can sound and appear outmoded and out-dated, against this enlightenment we might feel when we cast away these layers of control. We feel liberated when what was unacceptable in the past, becomes commonplace today, particularly with the relaxation of rules to control sexual practices and our leisure interests. These fresh expressions of freedom, combine in a cocktail of new experiences that were invisible to popular culture a few years ago. As Christians, our understanding of God’s love for us and for those around us, is challenged when lifestyle changes in society cause us to question what we believe to be true of our understanding of God.

When we each came to know Jesus for ourselves, we were wrestling with the emotional and psychological drivers which compel us to reach out to God in desperation. Conflicted by our emotions, we find in Gods mercy towards us, a peace we have never experienced before. The battle with our human nature is willingly surrendered to Gods will and purpose. This is a relief for most of us, although we still battle the sin that is bonded into our human nature. We try to be holy, we try to be good but we find ourselves erring on the wrong side of our consciousness, dipping into past habits, while the devil piles on the guilt. This is what Paul has to say about it (Romans 7: 14-25, NLT).

The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin.  I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. 

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. 

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

We are in a spiritual battle for our souls. If we can be wounded in any way, the devil will coerce us into making the same mistake for as long as it leaves us incapacitated and ineffective in the kingdom of God. This is true for those things that define us. Same sex attraction defines part of our population and remains a popular topic since the UK government authorised marriage between people of the same gender. This causes an uneasy tension in the Christian community because homosexuality is often found in a list of sexual, moral and ethical choices which are considered to be against the will of God. There are a great many people discussing this issue around the world, with Vicky Beaching, the author of many fantastic worship songs, declaring herself as someone attracted to same sex relationships, now campaigning against the position of conservative evangelicals, whom interpret the Bible literally.

There is no better ruse from the devil than distraction in my view. Take the focus away from Gods love for all of us and onto matters of dispute, and the enemy of God’s grace can have a field day. It doesn’t have to be the big things, such as sexual expression, that divide the church but the everyday, ordinary events where a judgement is made, obligations evaded, commitments left unmet… the devil will exploit any defect in our character that gives him leverage over our sense of well-being in respect to receiving God’s grace. 

The secrets we play close to our chest, can become our undoing. Jesus said that if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It would be better for you to enter heaven with one eye, rather than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell (Mark 9:47). What hope is there for any of us? We can fail at any and every opportunity to do the right thing, say the right words, and act with the compassion that God demands of those who live in communion with him; to honour God with our lives. That’s why we need more of his Grace.

Abraham knew God before the law was given to Moses and before Joseph's family became slaves in Egypt. Abraham’s faith in God’s justice, his provision, his bounty, his mercy and his grace, kept Abraham certain of the promises he was given. His trust in God led to him receiving the promise of descendants numbering as many as the stars, even though he was old and his wife was a long time past her childbearing age. And yet, God saw Abraham’s faith, credited him with righteousness and blessed the nations through him. God blesses us in the same way. Not through adherence to the law, but through faith. We are children of the promise; people of faith.

If we get stuck on matters of law, we are all condemned by the law because we are unable to meet the expectations it demands of us. However, Paul writes that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1), so why do we get caught up on making judgements about people’s sinful nature? A Christian who battles with same sex attraction is no less loving, no less caring, or no less willing to serve God. 


So why the fixation on this one facet of a persons character? Doesn't Jesus tell us to remove the plank from our own eye, before trying to remove the speck in theirs? (Matthew 7:4-5) I have any number of faults that I know that God would love for me to abandon. These conditions are often birthed in the pain of the experiences that I have had to endure. In the words of Captain Kirk: 

“Damn it, Bones, you're a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!” (Start Trek V, 1989).

 

What type of pain do we hold onto, in order to deal with the raw emotions that we might be feeling? How do we deal with the heartache and toil we experience? Do we just endure it, in order to get on with the rest of our lives? Is one sin, in greater need of forgiveness than any other type of sin, or is sin simply wrong? Is God big enough to handle our sin or do we distrust him with our innermost secrets?


Abraham is pointed out by Paul in Romans 4, to be the father of the children of faith. He was obedient to following what God asked of him, which birthed the promises that were awarded to him for his faith in God. The law highlights our sinfulness, calling each one of us to recognise our need of God. Grace is freely offered to us so that we can be rescued from our human nature. Jesus’ death on the cross paid the penalty for the things we do that displease God. So we are released from the law because Jesus paid the price for the debt we owed to it; we could never have paid to God the debt that we owed him through simply following the law. We needed a huge slice of grace too.


The rich young ruler, who boastfully approached Jesus in Mark 10: 19-27, spoke to him glowingly of his own ambition… ‘What more must I do to be saved?’  Jesus answers him, aware of his motivation, ‘Sell all you have, and give it to the poor, then come, follow me.’ The rich man thought that his prosperity, which brought him honour within his social circle, was an indication that God was indeed blessing him. Jesus saw through his mask, and looked at the heart- Where your treasure is... that is where your heart is (Matthew 6:21). Where is your heart’s treasure?

We are called out of the slavery of sin which leads to death, into his good Grace which is sufficient for all of our needs. Grace releases us from the captivity of our sinful nature. Where the law condemned us, Grace brings freedom. We are each baptised by one spirit. When we symbolically put sin to death in the waters of baptism, we are raised to new life when we are lifted out of the water. We cast aside our former selves, no longer being condemned by our past, just as the Israelite's experienced, when they passed through the Red Sea. 


They left the slavery of Egypt behind them in search of the promised land. We too, must leave whatever enslaves us behind. For both the Israelite's released from captivity and Jesus, whose baptism by John saw him commissioned by God, a time of testing followed their blessing. Jesus wandered the desert for 40 days after he was baptised, being tempted by the devil in any way that he thought fit. This was symbolic of the Israelite's 40 years of wandering in the desert, in an attempt by God to purge them of sinful behaviours that led to death, before entering the land promised to Abraham, centuries earlier.

However, our human nature revels in doing what we shouldn’t be doing: we see it in our children defiantly wanting to do their thing, their way… we were never like that were we? If we feel we are being curtailed or restricted by rules, regulations or the demands placed upon us by external sources, we naturally rebel against those rules. In effect, we become slaves to the emancipation we feel when released from the constrictions that we thought were unjust. 

On the UK TV show, ‘24hrs in A&E’, there was a young man of 24 who attended the hospital, crippled with pain in his lower back. On being questioned about his health, he stated that he only ate one solid meal per week, the rest being liquid or dare I say, alcohol. Whilst he was entertaining some girls, he could suddenly no-longer continue, rushing to the hospital, crippled over in agony. The doctor was amazed at the man’s lifestyle, suggesting that at his young age, his body was already telling him that he couldn’t carry on like that. Self-control is always difficult when there are no boundaries… we just continue to indulge ourselves.

In my own life, I have always felt that I have had to prove myself. My esteem is such that I feel that I have to earn my sense of self, by being the best I can be at what I choose to do. The problem with that is that I can judge others by the standards I set for myself. I can be unsympathetic towards those that do not measure-up to my standards, particularly when it comes to my work ethic. Because I set myself such high standards to prove myself, I am also hyper sensitive to criticism, believing that I couldn’t possibly have made a mistake. I don’t like it when I am told I could be working harder or doing things better because I believe I am already working at my hardest. It can make me a tricky character. I always see criticism as a personal attack on my character, rather than simply a piece of advice given to build me up.

We cannot avoid the danger of sin creeping up on our everyday life experiences, binding us back into the slavery of self. When Joseph was boasting to his brothers about his dreams as a child, God had a plan to use his arrogance and boastful nature for his own purposes. Being sold into slavery and placed in bondage to Potiphar and his wife’s whims, he learned humility and holiness through drawing nearer to God. God uses his natural gifting of dream interpretation, to lift him out of his situation, into the reality of the dream he had as a young boy. 
When his family came to ask for charity, he had grown beyond his own understanding of self, into the statesman that God had envisioned for him at the beginning of his journey.

The duality of the situation was that in being obedient to God, Joseph saved his own soul through faith and he secured the fate of his family. Being descendants of Jacob, Isaac and Abraham, they were automatically entered into the promises given to Abraham. Joseph and his brothers were to become the forebears of the nation, Israel. To get to that point, Joseph had to experience the heartache of being sold into slavery, in order that he might find himself and develop the qualities of looking at the needs of others, before his own. His experiences, however traumatic they were, fashioned his character, his motivation, his integrity, and his faith. This was God’s plan all along and it is still God's plan for us today. Whatever it is that we are battling with, God has you in the palm of his hand. Joseph learned to die to self, as we must do daily.

We also need to put our faith in God, by passing through the waters of baptism on a daily basis, by confessing sin and in doing so, we are sanctified by Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. As soon as we try to go it alone, we will always find the way difficult. What are you willing to sacrifice today, in order to honour God with your life and the choices you make? What is it that you do, that you may have to put to one side and say enough is enough? We can get so caught up with and preoccupied by life, our work and our ambition, our knowledge, our influence, and our culture, that we lose sight of what God’s will is for us. 

We can keep telling ourselves that no one else understands how we feel or that no one can comprehend what we are going through… 'I can’t quite figure out why I get so anxious or fearful about the decisions that I need to make… why do I get so easily wound up by people, situations or things?' When we try to live life for ourselves, neglecting the spiritual dimension of our nature, in favour of reason and determination, we become enslaved to our own will, which is itself, corrupted by sin. When our anchor isn't in Gods grace, we are too easily blown along on a maelstrom of mixed emotions, feelings of guilt, and our conflicted views of the type of person we really are.

When we find ourselves in this place of desperation, we learn that our nature has already tried to determine how to work out its own solution, placing us back under the demands of the law. This is particularly so for those who are being disobedient of it. I don’t know whether someone in a same sex relationship is indeed predisposed to preferring that lifestyle choice as I am heterosexual. Some in support of same sex relationships tend to say to themselves, "Who I am, determines what I think and feel... doesn't it?"

There seems to be some debate as to whether same sex attraction is a genetic trait, a psychological predisposition or social conditioning, but as with all sexual immorality, Paul warns us against such things. If I, as a heterosexual male, discredit women by lusting over pictures in a magazine or the internet, I am similarly condemned by the law because I recognise that what I am doing is wrong. We have already read that Jesus tells us to rip out our eye if it causes us to sin. If I repent of looking at pornography, I am forgiven by God, released from the guilt I would feel but reminded that Jesus told those he healed to go and sin no more (John 8:11). If I do not surrender my will to God, I will quickly return to that which I know is forbidden because my nature is sinful. I must give over my whole self, sexuality, intellect, emotions and character, to be shaped by the Holy Spirit so that I can be finally free of the bondage we live under. Is this not true of all sin?

The law condemns those who dishonour God and inevitably, in the church, we have condemned behaviour that is contrary to God’s precepts. Paul suggests that people living by the spirit, are now exempt from the law because it was fully met in Jesus. So we must choose to put aside, all that isn’t holy, and take on Christ’s righteousness as our own. Life however, is more complicated than this when we do not take these words for their literal meaning. If your sexual identity is framed within an act that is considered to be wrong, there are always deep emotional and psychological bonds, forming a part of a person’s identity and sense of self, that will inevitably be at war with our conscience. Can this battle simply be dismissed by making a choice? Is the denial of self, a form of discrimination? Should a person deny themselves... why can they not just be free to live life as they want?


If we truly live by the spirit, can we be fully healed by the Grace of God at work in our lives, as he pours his love into our hearts? I would like to believe so. Will our sinful nature still war against this new transformation of the spirit? Absolutely - it's why we have the gift of grace. Surely though, if God is love, he wouldn’t condemn people for the way they feel? Again, Paul’s argument seems to centre on our need of more Grace. As the law emphasises the role of sin in corrupting our nature, so God give us more grace so that we might endure. God does not want us to live in a way that is contrary to his will so in love, through the law, he gently rebukes us and corrects us. Our recognition of this process, helps us to receive the outpouring of his Spirit, transforming our hearts and mind.

As Christians, we live under Grace, learning to recognise our sin, softening our hearts to bring about repentance for of our misdeeds and in seeking after the Father’s heart, make peace with ourselves, as well as with God. This is a hard message to hear when we don't want to give things up. As we live under the new covenant, bought by Jesus’ blood on the cross, we are sanctified by his sacrificial actions. What does the Spirit of God compel us to do with our human nature? If we feel guilt, then it is a result of toiling under the law in our own strength; God’s grace releases us from the penalty of sin; our toil is turned into rejoicing; so we choose to be obedient. 


Do we cheapen God’s grace somehow if we hold onto those parts of our character that we are unwilling to give up? Perhaps so. Is the current political will to have sexual equality for all, counter cultural to the spiritual wholeness that God wants us to experience? Yes. However the church has to avoid becoming a loud gong or a clashing symbol (I Cor 13:1). We are witnessing in these times, a clash between two different kingdoms: the kingdom of God and the rule of men. The law still stands to remind all people of our collective wrong doing. Only through faith in Jesus will we be saved.

We are each encouraged to come as we are, but not to stay as we are. Relationships birthed in love, evolve, change and grow, as we are transformed by his Spirit. If people look at the church and see what could be perceived as bigotry towards the same sex issue, we are by default, alienating the church from the very people we seek to serve? We have to be salt and light in our communities but we also have to reach out in love. What this will look like, I don't know. The pace of change in society seems to be moving at a greater momentum than our understanding of God’s grace can seemingly accommodate. Is it time to look again at our current theological position on grace? Probably.

So to come back to our own nature, what is it that stops us from receiving more of God’s abundant grace? It is often the things that we want to hold onto: the things in our lives that we are unwilling to let go of. We might doubt God is even big enough to deal with our stuff or at worst unwilling. We may be too afraid to confront the sin which we know is bad for us, hiding it behind a pretence of spirituality or religious observance. We may simply be in denial. We may have decided that God will not work in the way we hope, perhaps due to some theological belief or doctrinal statement that we hold to. We must examine ourselves with the help of the Holy Spirit, to find what inhibits our ability to receive more of what God is offering us. 

You may be fearful of what might happen if you expose your emotions to the Spirit of God. Some emotions have been buried so deep within our sub conscious thought for such a long time that our real fear, is in losing the psychological crutches that we have depended upon for too long.

We may have unconfessed sin which needs to be let go of… if we try to hold onto whatever it is that we need to be released from, it will get in the way of receiving all that God wants to give us through his grace. This kind of blockage to God’s grace at work in us, is the most painful that we ever have to work through. It can be so ingrained in our character, that it falsely underlines our belief in who we are. The Holy Spirit, by his very nature, is Holy. He cannot go with you when you enter into sinful actions that are contrary for what God wills for you; He cannot bless those things which we do, that are against his nature. So we must recognise our sin and be repentant in the knowledge that God loves us.

There are many of us who have emotional burdens, which we think define us but are in effect, a millstone, whose chains can only be loosed at the foot of the cross. Sometimes it is simply our own broken nature, which prevents us from receiving all that God offers. We are too willful, preferring to control our lives on our own terms. Only when we come to God as a child, will we be in a place to receive.

My son and I went to Wembley to watch our local team Southend United, compete in the playoff final for entry into League 1 of the football league. It was a tense match. There was a tremendous amount of foul play outside of the rules of the game. No team saw justice with the referee, with both teams often losing possession due to the decisions made, or being compromised through the referees inaction. One goal by Southend was disallowed, with our emotions going from adulation to despair. After 90 minutes of play, it was still deadlocked, with an extra 30 minutes of play added, to help decide a winner.

Wycombe Wanderers went on to score in the first 15 minutes of extra time, leaving the Southend fans anxiously expectant, whilst attempting to bury the thought that we might fail. The 4^th official announced there would be 2 mins of injury time added to play, but there was no equalizing goal and it all seemed hopeless. Southend fans were leaving the stadium with even my son saying, ‘Dad, let’s go home. It's pointless staying’. With 30 seconds of injury time left to play, the substituted player, Joe Pigott scores. The Southend fans go wild in euphoric whoops, rapturous applause and celebrations. Who would have thought that there was a chance of achieving that kind of fortune, with so little time remaining?

Why tell this story? Well, they always say that football offers all of the emotions that life can bring but in this story, it is how in the depths of despair and anguish, there is a saviour. All of heaven is in eager anticipation for each of us to accept God's invitation. In Jesus, we have a mediator who stands before our Father God, pleading our case for us. Like that golden goal, Jesus will keep on standing there until the last seconds of injury time, in order to rescue as many of us as possible from our fate. Paul writes: 

“My dear children, I am writing this to you so that you will not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate who pleads our case before the Father. He is Jesus Christ, the one who is truly righteous. He himself is the sacrifice that atones for our sins—and not only our sins but the sins of all the world.” (1 John 2: 1-2, NLT). 

On the cross, the robber hanging beside Jesus, asked Jesus to remember him when he came into his kingdom. Jesus replied: “I assure you, today, you will be with me in paradise.” (Luke 23: 43, NLT)

God is for us, not against us, he loves us and wants us to avoid the pitfalls of sin plaguing our waking and our sleeping. He offers us the solution in his son Jesus, whose outstretched arms are forever open to us.